Of Fairy Tales, Glass Slippers, and Dog Gates
by Hiron Otsuki
Summary: When you wind up somewhere you never thought about, or even thought existed, it's kind of expected that you have to do some pretty crazy things to do to get back where you want to be, right?


Disclaimer from Amber Stag: I don't own Cinderella, but I do own everything else...for what it's worth... which is generally about a dime... I own Ashley and everyone mentioned in this story except for Hiron. She owns herself... and she'll beat you with her... stick... thing if you disrepute that.

Disclaimer from Hiron Otsuki: #looks up# No, I'll use a ridiculously oversized labeling machine. I had nothing to do with this fic. I swear. But I did edit it so it was easier to read. The Stepmother does exist. Her name is Lisa, she _is_ our neighbor, and she really is bipolar. I used to babysit her kids when I was desperate, and she never takes her medication. Or she does, and they need to up the dosage. Reanna I can only assume was drafted from _A Broken Violin_, and I don't know where Lissa is from. And technically, Cinderella doesn't belong to anyone. Since it's a fairy tale, it's in the public domain of Things You Can Use As Plots And Not Get Sued For.

Notes from the Editor: Ashley tends to use real-life people when she writes, but the characters really don't resemble their real-life counterparts all that well, except for Ashley herself. Not even me. Okay, maybe me. That was me inan 'I-just-survived-spinning-off-of-the-exit-ramp-from-I-75-so-I'm-very-cynical-How-was-your-day?' type of mood.

No morons were harmed in the making of this fic. The Not-Wannabe-Fairy Godmother, however, was traumatized beyond all belief. So was the editor about all the horrible misspelled words and misused punctuation and quotations marks. Those have since been fixed.

* * *

Once upon a time... In a universe not so very far away, on a little planet called Earth... 

''Ashley!"

"What did I do!"

"GET DOWN HERE!"

I cackled. Maybe Hiron had finally found out what I'd done to her driver's license and her cat...

I walked down the stairs and lifted my foot to step over the dog-gate at the base when my foot slipped and I fell. I smacked my head against the banister and my world turned black...

Alternate universe...

"Uhhh..." I moaned, not sure where I was. I looked around. "Did someone get the number of that truck? Gah...I think Hiron finally followed through with her threat to drug me and-"

A screech rang out from downstairs "ASHLEY!"

"Coming!" I yelled back.

I hauled myself out of bed- bed? MY bed did NOT consist of rags and straw. What the hell was going on here?

I looked around for the door and found it. I opened the door to find a ladder, which I climbed down. There I found myself in a kitchen. A medieval looking one at that. With a fireplace big enough to roast my english teacher in. "Guess I'd better make breakfast." I muttered to no-one in particular- only the voices in my head.

15 minutes later... "Wow. Guess Life Skills actually paid off." I looked for whoever had called me earlier when 2 whirlwinds burst into the kitchen.

"Is breakfast ready yet?"

"Did IT come?"

"Yes breakfast is ready, and did what come?"

"The invitation, stupid!"

"What invitation?"

"The Invitation to the Jellicle Ball, idiot!"

"What's the Jellicle Ball?"

"Its only THE most important event of the season. Anybody who's anybody will be there. This year is supposed to be extra special. Lord Jorthy of Brunwicks-Haven is looking for a wife for his son. He knows he's going to die soon and he wants his son fully prepared to be the Lord, complete with a wife."

"Ri-ight."

Not noticing my sarcasm, the blonde one went on, "This year is supposed to be a Masquerade ball."

"Whoop-de-friggin-do."

"And we need your help to get ready. It's tomorrow night!"

Just then, a woman who looked to be about forty walked into the room. The guys in my class would have said she had a gorgeous body, but her face looked like Malibu Barbie meets Moulin Rouge. Too much makeup and that classic Botoxed look.

"What are you staring at, girl? Get to work!"

"Yes, Barbie- I mean ma'am," I replied, snickering quietly under my breath, and began to sweep.

The next day, after literally falling into my bed mentally running through all the universes I could possibly be in, and finally settling on Cinderella , Reanna and Lissa were ready to go. Lissa, the one who had explained about the ball, was dressed as a Unicorn; due to my sewing skills and imagination. She had a false horn gilded with gold attatched to her forehead, and a tight black dress with a black half mask. Reanna, the blonde, was dressed as an angel, complete with long, white flowing dress and abbreviated angel wings. The woman who was apparently supposed to be the Stepmother, A.K.A. Ielle, who slightly resembled my insane bipolarneighbor (whom I had also taken to calling Malibu-barbie), was dressed as a peacock, with a greenish blus iridescent ugly dress and a plume of feathers attatched to her mask.

I rushed downstairs, holding a plain white mask that I had found while scrounging around in the attic of the house.

They all laughed when they saw me coming down the stairs in my tattered dress which I had woken up wearing, holding the sorry excuse for a mask.

"Where do you think your going?" Iella asked me

"To the ball?" I said.

This made them laugh even harder.

"You- you go to the ball?"

"What as?" Ielle barked sharply.

"Gee, I don't know- maybe a chimmney sweep? I was thinking-"

"You are not expected to _think_, girl. You are expected to _do_. Now get back to work. I'll deal with you when I get home." And with that, they swept out the door, leaving me alone.

"Stupid schizophrenic BITCH!" I railed at the wall. "What right does she have to keep me from going? I just want to get the prince-person's attention and party! It's not like I want to steal their Er-Lord. Lady's tits! I don't even know what he looks like! I just need to use him so I can get home! The woman is a preposterously paranoid lunatic with a dash of psychotic schizophrenia..."

From my rantings I began to hear an unearthy music. "I have to get off the pain killers." A light began to shine in front of my eyes. "Oh no. I'm hallucinating. Please tell me I'm hallucinating." BANG! CRASH! THE LIGHTNING FLASHED!

Out of this light popped someone very familiar. "SQUEE! Hiron!" I screeched, running to hug her. "Please take me out of this sick, twisted universe!"

"Gasp...wheeze... CAN'T BREATHE!"

"Oh. Sorry." I let go of her.

She looked around. "Where are we?"

I shrugged. "5 bucks says we're stuck in the Cinderella universe." She blinked and started to slowly shuffle away. "Damn stress medication. School giving me more gray hairs. Pschychiatrist..."

I walked over to her. "I'd normally be really sorry for doing this to anyone else, but since it's you, I'll do it and enjoy it!" I slapped her across the face.

"Whu-?"

"You were spazzing."

She glared and looked pissed.

Five minutes later, she finally stopped glaring and started to look around again. "Now what?"

"I guess you wave your wand and make me a pretty costume."

"Um, no."

"Why!"

"Because there is no such thing as magic."

"HELLO! Earth to Hiron! Point A: This is an alternate universe, where we seem to be trapped inside a fanfiction of Cinderella. Point B: You seem to be the fairy god...sister here, and thus need to somehow get me a costume, and Point C: You doing so will enable me to go to the ball in disguise, win the prince-male interest of this story's heart, play hard to get with said male-love interest, wind up getting married to him, thus going along with the fairy-tale, thus enabeling us to leave aforementioned sick-twisted universe and go home! Did you catch all that?"

She blinked, then grinned insanely.

"Does this also mean that I can summon Johnny Depp!'

"Just use the stupid wand! I wan't to go home, and I bet you do too!"

"But I can't summon Johnny Depp there!" she wailed.

"Do you wan't me to e-mail Matt and tell him you have his chopped off hair!"

"NO! Please! ANYTHING but that!"

"Then wave the damn wand so we can go home." I smiled sweetly.

"Fine, damnit." She grumbled, then waved the wand around. Nothing happened.

"Say something," I prodded.

"Vas Rel Por!"

Poof! I found myself dressed as Batgirl. I blinked, nonplussed. "Ok ok, try again"

"Vas Rel Por!" She looked at the wand, which was currently emmiting blue sparks from the tip. She looked back at me and started to shriek. "I'M BLIND! OH GOD! I'M BLIND!"

I looked down, screeched, and rushed to cover myself. "What am I wearing? A bra and underwear!"

She cracked one eye open. "I think you're dressed as Pink from the music video 'Lady Marmalade.'"

"NOT FUNNY! I need clothing, not two sequins and a strategically placed _cork_!"

"Well, then, what would you prefer?"

I thought for about two seconds.

"What about that dress from 'Ever After'?"

"Which one! There's like seven!"

"The Just Breathe Dress. "

"The white wedding gown-ish dress thing?" She asked, looking repulsed.

"Just do it!"

"VAS REL POR!"

Yay! I found myself dressed in the gown... I had on an antique white and gold dress. Huge gossamar wings were attached to my back. "I love this dress!"

Hiron looked at me critically. I waited for one of her usual sarcastic comments. "Not bad, but it's not really my style." she commented, waving her wand again as white irridescent glitter powder and crystals covered the upper half of my face.

"Yes. You prefer fatigues and combat boots, and I'll bet you're damned uncomfortable in that dress!"

She plucked at the blue fabric. "Every time I move my legs the slightest bit apart, I-"

"OK! Thats enough! I don't need to hear about your personal issues!"

She grumbled.

"Now can you get me to the ball? Or would you maybe like to come along for the ride, probably to enjoy me making a fool of myself due to the fact that I can't dance?"

"Much of an entertaining prospect that that is, I think I'll stay here and twiddle my thumbs. I'm not going to be seen in public wearing this." She waved her wand yet again. Poof! I found a moongate in front of me. "Hey, this isn't so bad." she said.

On the other side of the gate, I could see a courtyard, presumably leading into the Castle. I walked through, tossing a "Thanks!" over my shoulder.

Behind me, I heard her say, "Oooh, what wreakable havoc can be wrought with my... stick... thing." I winced at that. Hiron with a weapon of any sort is not to be trusted.

Once I entered the courtyard, all conversation stopped. I inquired as to where the entrance to the Ball room was. As I entered the huge room, I could hear the strains of a waltz playing, and many couples were dancing. At the end of the great hall, I could see three figures sitting on thrones. Two were talking animatedly, while one was staring off into space. He looked like I felt when being subjected to Algebra II. 'That _must be Mr. Prime-Male-Love-Interest himself,_' I thought idly. Suddenly, it was as if someone had hit a mute button. All talking came to a halt, and all eyes turned to me. Murmurs of "Who is she?" ran through the crowd. _'Oh crap. I forgot about this part!_'

The Er-Lord himself came over to se what was going on. He was dressed in cream and gold, and wore no mask.

As he drew closer, I could see that he was very handsome. Black shoulder length hair, and a finely chisled face.

'_Hmm._' I thought absent-mindedly, '_Sexy Beast_.'

He reached me, and bowed on one knee. "M'Lady," he murmured, "I had heard that women of great beauty were to attend my fathers ball, but never had I imagined... never mind. Let us dance." Saying so, he swept me into his arms and spirited me onto the dance floor.

Fifteen minutes later, I remembered that given the fact that I was in the Cinderella universe, my best chance of getting back home would probably be to get Er-Lord Whats-his-face to fall in love with me. While I was pondering this, and considering the consequences of my actions, the stupid clock up in the bell tower outside decided to ring 12 o'clock. '_Crap! The fairy-tale! I have to run!_'

I pried the Er-Lords hands from around my waist. "M'Lady?" He inquired.

"Erm... I'm sorry dude! I gotta go!"

"But I-"

"'Bye!" I began to sprint through the ball room. He sprinted after me.

'_I hate heels!_'

I reached the doors, then remembered the part about the slipper. I bent down, tore off one of my white gold-embroidered slippers, and chucked it on the steps. Unfortunately, the Er-Lord chose that moment to run down the stairs, and consequently tripped on the slipper, tumbling down the steps, and falling into me. With a shriek, I fell down, as he tumbled off to the side. My head cracked against the stone balustrade, and I blacked out yet again...

Normal Universe... If You Want To Call It That...

"ASHLEY!"

" Whu-?" I muttered. "Ow. My head."

"What happened?" Suddenly I remembered.

"Fucking dog-gate. My head." I said again.

"Lemme guess." Hiron said "You tripped on the dog-gate. And you fell."

"Yes." I said sarcastically. "And little purple flying cows are dancing around my head right now. And I had the weirdest dream, too. You were there."

"Were you and your class snorting pixy-stix again today in school?"

"No," I remarked absently. "We weren't thowing a party for anyone today." Laughing, she walked away. "Gah. I think I need to schedule an appointment with Anna. And soon."

THE END


End file.
